


That's Messed Up

by thecrazyhairdo (givemepizza)



Category: GOT7
Genre: Hurt and comfort, JB POV, M/M, Sweet and Happy Ending, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-09 21:24:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19484329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemepizza/pseuds/thecrazyhairdo
Summary: In which Youngjae catches his boyfriend JB looking at pictures of naked women, and all hell sort of breaks loose





	That's Messed Up

It all starts when my boyfriend Youngjae catches me looking at some racy pictures of women on my phone. My friend sent them to me. Everyone gets upset when they catch their partner looking at porn, so it’s expected for Youngjae to get mad. Except he isn't mad. He looks hurt, so deeply wounded that I’m left appalled. he looks like the world has fallen from under him. I apologize profusely about it and Youngjae reassures me eventually that it’s all water under the bridge, but I can’t shake the feeling that he is still upset and only downplaying it. 

I turn to a friend to talk about the issue. As a result of several misunderstandings from back when I thought Mark was after Youngjae’s heart, Mark and I haven’t always been close, but he has quickly come to be someone I can turn to when I’m in trouble. he is very loyal and reliable. I understand why he and Youngjae are close. 

Mark comes the moment I call him. We agree to meet at a drinking place in town after work. 

“You sounded so distressed over the phone.” Mark mutters just before taking a huge swig of his beer. 

I sigh, shaking my head. “I messed up big time.”

“Does this have anything to do with Youngjae?” 

“How would you know?” I frown, eying my friend suspiciously. 

“Youngjae came over to visit Jinyoung and I a few days ago. he didn't seem quite like himself.” 

My heart breaks. “I’m such a dick.” I quietly beat myself up because I deserve it.

“What the hell happened?”

I’m almost too embarrassed to admit the truth, but I have to if I expect Mark to help me. “He found me looking at nudes online.” 

“That’s it?”

“I was looking at women.”

Mark’s eyebrows shoot up with askance. 

“I’m bisexual.” I explain

“oh.” he puts his beer down and we lapse into silence. it appears Mark is considering everything I’ve told him. When he speaks up again, it’s with a serious expression. 

“Think about it, dude. You are a gay guy and you see your bisexual boyfriend looking at hot and probably skinny naked women. That’s messed up.”

*

As I walk home that evening, I feel like such a fool and a disappointment. Mark only pointed out something I should have realized on my own. of course Youngjae is upset because my looking at naked women makes it seem like Youngjae doesn't satisfy me enough to the point where I still long for tan slim waited women with big breasts. 

“Hey, Jagi.” Youngjae hugs and kisses me when I get home. His gestures are warm as ever and his smile is almost as sunny as always, but his eyes are dead and his tone is missing some of the usual passion and excitement he reserves for me.   
he is still upset. Understandably so. 

I hold him at arm’s length and peer deep into his eyes, imploring him to speak up at least and openly tell me that he is hurting. We are in the centre of the living area. He is still just blinking up at me. “Baby, what’s wrong?” I softly ask him, so afraid that if I push too hard he’ll recede deeper within himself. I want him to tell me his exact feelings before I apologize. 

“What do you mean?” Youngjae plasters an obviously forced smile to his face and instantly I know that I won’t get anywhere with this tonight. 

I force a smile too, very akin to his, shaking my head. “Nothing. It’s nothing. I just want to say again that I’m so sorry about those pictures. Looking at them means nothing. a friend sent them to me and I… looked because well…. I have eyes, but I swear you are more than enough for me. I’m happy with you.” 

“I know that, hyung. Stop rambling.” Youngjae replies good humorously, but the warmth doesn't reach his eyes.

My heart sinks some more. 

“I’m sorry.” I repeat, maybe hoping the emptiness in his eyes will disappear. I really wish I could say more, but I have never been good with words, and right thing it’s a thing 

I hate the most about myself. 

“I know. Shut up already. I made dinner.” he tips his chin up and gives me a light kiss on the lips then he takes my hand and pulls me to the kitchen.

*

When I try to make love to him later in bed, he makes some excuse about why he can’t and turns away from me. he has never done this before. with a heavy and worried heart, I lie awake for most of the night, watching him sleep. 

*

“Hey, sweetie.” I wrap my arms around Youngjae and tightly hug him from behind. he smiles when I bury my face in his neck and pepper tender kisses there. 

“Stop distracting Me.” he is standing in front of the stove, making us something delicious for dinner. Peering over his shoulder at the contents of the frying pan, I can tell it’s a dish I can’t pronounce, but I have confidence it will taste great. Those are the privileges of having a French cuisine chef for a boyfriend. 

“I like distracting you.” I breathe against his neck and hum in delight. He smells so good. 

“The sooner I’m done here, the quicker dinner will be at the table.”

“I was hoping we could go out and watch a movie or something after dinner.”  
Youngjae tenses in my arms and he takes forever to reply. he must be searching his mind for an excuse. “I’m a little tired tonight. Let’s do it later when I’m in a better mood.”

I almost ask when that will be but think better of it. I don’t want to fight least he feels I’m pushing him too hard. 

It’s been like this for two weeks- excuse after excuse to why we can’t make love, why we can’t go out to have some fun together. 

“I’m probably annoying you, right?” he says with a soft chuckle that’s heart wrenchingly laced with so much insecurity.  
No. never. there is no place I’d rather be than hear beside you when you are hurting.

“Of course not. It’s okay.” I kiss his neck again and then his cheeks and pulls him closer, inhaling his sweet smelling hair. “It’s okay if you are not in the mood. We’ll go another time.” 

*

My despair and his only escalate in the weeks that follow. I literally watch the man I love deteriorate. He looks tired all the time, he barely eats; at night I can feel him lying awake beside me. 

At work he is on his second warning for messing up at the job. 

He looks so miserable. 

He is distant, detached. 

We haven’t been intimate for a month now. 

I talked to our friends, Jinyoung and Mark and asked them to help me talk to Youngjae. So far they've come up empty. 

“Something is going on with you. I wish you’d tell me.” I whisper almost inaudibly.

We are lying in bed at night. He is curled up into a ball under the covers, hugging himself like I’m not even here. He looks so small, fragile, vulnerable and hurt. My heart dully aches for him again and again. 

“At least tell me what’s going on at work?” I plead. 

He still doesn't reply. He no longer does. I think he is sick of my prodding.   
It hurts even more.

He shifts a little, but is still so damn quiet. In the silence of the night, my tears roll down my cheeks in rivulets and fall on my pillow. I know he cries too. I hear him sniff 

sometimes. This is just like the time before we got together when he struggled to tell me about how he got gang raped, when he opted to keep all that pain to himself. Being shut out hurt like hell then and it hurts now. 

Please let me in, I silently cry. 

*

I clasp our hands together and press into his soft flesh, hoping I can comfort him even though it’s so little.

He gives me a small smile. It’s so blindingly beautiful. My heart stops for a moment.   
*

I get home after work and find Youngjae already back home from work and sprawled on the couch. He is clad in a t-shirt and sweat pants. He looks so comfortable, warm and soft. I want to kiss and cuddle him. So I plop down the couch beside him and pull him into my arms, holding him close. My heart almost bursts with joy when he melts   
into my embrace and nestles more comfortably into my side. 

I lean down and kiss his lips. I meant for it to be a simple hello kiss, but I get carried away and quickly turn it into a “I miss you, I love you, you mean the world to me, please don’t hurt any more” kiss. It’s a kiss I’m hoping can put a smile on his face. It doesn’t. Apart from a mere ghost of a smile, he is cold. 

“You look cute.” I tell him and it breaks my heart when he fleetingly frowns and tenses up, covering it with a pathetic attempt of a genuine smile. 

“Don’t say that.” His voice is clipped and his gaze is stormy enough to have my mind reeling. Why is he suddenly so upset? Why is he suddenly so morose? 

“You are beautiful, inside and out.” maybe my attempt at reassuring him is cliché, but I know no other way of saying it to convince him.   
Wordlessly, he turns in my arms and buries his face in my neck, nuzzling there and leaning his small frame completely on me.

I kiss his hair and pull him closer until he is engulfed by my warmth. not long after, I feel the warm wetness of his tears on my neck before I hear his sniffing and feel his frame shaking with silent sobs. 

I wish you would lean on me emotionally too. 

A couch and atmosphere that once radiated cosiness, cuddles, chaste kisses, whispers of sweet nothings and tender touches is now riddled with gloom, insecurity, anguish and confusion. I loathe every second of it. It’s ruining me. 

“Please talk to me.” my voice is as desperate and frustrated as I feel. 

“Just hold me. Please.” 

so I hold him and let him cry. he cries so hard that I fear he might pass out from dehydration. 

“Please, don’t leave me.” he cries. It’s muffled against my shoulder. 

My heart plummets some more. “Youngjae, why do you think I’ll leave you?”

Of course he doesn't reply. 

“Baby, how could anyone ever leave you?”   
No answer.

“I won’t leave you. Ever. I’m all yours.” I soothe, silently promising myself to spend the rest of my life reminding him of how much he means to me if that’s what it takes to restore his confidence- to bring back the man I fell in love with. 

*

“I can’t do this anymore.” I’m fuming now. Youngjae looks up at me with wide, watery and frightened eyes. We are standing face-to-face in the center of our kitchen. 

“What does that mean?” Youngjae’s voice is soft yet also hoarse all at once. 

“It means I’m sick of it all. We can’t go on like this. You are a mess. I’m a mess.” I take hold of his arms and shake him as if to drum some sense into him. “You. Have. To. 

Tell. Me. The. Truth.” I emphasize each word through clenched teeth. 

Youngjae lowers his gaze and I wait with baited breathe, so afraid he’ll say no again. After what feels like forever, he nods and I’m awash with a kind of relief I haven’t felt in ages. It’s like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders. 

Youngjae takes my hand and leads me to the living area where we sit side-by-side. 

Youngjae tells me the whole truth. 

“I want to be thin and sexy like those women you like looking at. I hate my body. All I hear are words like cute, husky, plush and adorable. I know that those are just substitute words people use to avoid directly calling me fat. Maybe it’s irrational, but it’s my struggle and I can’t fight this feeling. I've felt this way since I recently gained weight, but when I saw you looking at those nudes….” He trails off, shaking his head as if it’s too painful for him to go on. 

Every word feels like a stab to my heart, crushing my chest. It hurts so much seeing Youngjae so broken. I can’t hold my tears back. I’m left shaken up and utterly shocked. Youngjae has never shown signs that he feels the way he does. 

How have I not known?

How have I missed the signs that Youngjae has been insecure? 

The signs have probably been staring me in the face. 

And to think all this is because of those damned nudes I couldn't stop myself from looking at. 

My stomach sinks and boils with the bitter bile of my regret. I’m completely lost for words, so I just hold him almost crushingly close and cry with him. I do my best to mutter soothing and reassuring words that I hope he can believe. 

“do you really think so, hyung? do you think I’m attractive?” Youngjae whispers against Jaebum’s chest.

“I do. you are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. I find you alluring in every possible way and I certainly don’t want you to be a slender woman.” I sniff and pull back to hold him at arms’ length so that I can meet his gaze. He is pink around the eyes, nose and cheeks from all the crying, but he looks so adorable and pretty still. My heart stirs. 

“You don’t need to have a certain slim figure to feel or be gorgeous. I’m spry that I let you get so insecure, that I forgot to remind you of how amazing you are.” my thumbs brush along his smooth cheeks to wipe his tears. “You steal my breath even when you cry.” I smile softly at him. 

“You are a chef, so making and eating delicious food is your passion. If that’s what makes you happy, then go for it. Don’t hold back because you think you’ll lose your allure if you gain a few pounds. Be happy and comfortale. That’s all I want.” With vehemence, I add. “You. Are. Not. Fat.” 

His chin and lips tremble as fresh tears spill down his cheeks. “hyung….” my name is a broken whisper on his lips. I can’t bear to see him cry for another second, so I pull him back into my arms and kiss him. I kiss and kiss and kiss him for the longest time, pouring my entire heart into it until he hushes and I feel some of the tension melt out of him. I kiss every part of his face, trying to tell him to be confident in himself. I try to say everything I need to in this one kiss and hope that he hears me. 

Through the one kiss I remind him that I’m not his enemy, but the man who wants to love, support and protect him; carry him through the tough times and be strong for him. 

When I fall apart, he makes me whole again and that’s all I want to do for him now. I want to hold him, to touch him, kiss him harder and remind him how desirable he is to be, how beautiful he is, how sexy he is and how crazy he drives me with want. 

So I pick him up in my arms- noting how painfully light he has become because he hasn’t been eating well- and carry him upstairs to our bedroom. Thankfully he doesn't resist. I softly kiss his forehead and he curls into my chest, tightening his arms around my neck, still crying quietly. 

“Where are we going?” Youngjae asks between sobs

“I’m going to love you until you feel beautiful and desirable again.”

“Jaebum hyung, why are you so good to me?” 

“because you are so easy to love.” 

“can I ask one favor?”

“hm?”

“don’t stop loving me tonight, tomorrow night and those that will follow.” 

I silently make a promise to Youngjae and myself to give all of himself to this boy who is so hurt and so closed off that he doesn't think he deserves anything at all. I’m going to love him so hard until my love fills every empty space in him and pushes out all his sadness and insecurity. 

The man I love is broken and there is no changing that. From the beginning I've never been sure whether I can handle and protect his fragile heart and confidence, but the one thing I’m sure of is that I want to keep trying to fix him even if it takes me our whole lives. I’m fine as long as we suffer together. 

“you never have to ask that of me. I’ll always love you and protect you whether you need it or not.” 

“And let’s order lots of pizza and friend chicken. I’m starving. Trying to lose weight is no joke. I officially give up.”

I laugh whole heatedly then because I’m so relieved that my Youngjae is back. “I want to coo at you so badly. Will you get upset if I call you cute?” 

Youngjae appears to ponder for a few beats, and then shakes his head. 

“One more thing, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, hyung. I’ll be better for us.” I hear Youngjae whisper and it’s like he has breathed new air into my lungs.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this. Comments/kudos are welcome and appreciated. love u all


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